Mobbed-UP

Henry: Overindulging in Tito’s and Getting Mobbed Up

POSTED ON JANUARY 12, 2015 WITH 1 COMMENT

I was hanging out at South by Southwest (SXSW) in Austin last Spring, helping my gonzo attorney and lifelong friend E. Hobart Calhoun promote his burgeoning online law practice site, SueEveryone.com. On a break, E. and I toured the Tito’s Vodka distillery and became friendly during the post-tour tasting with SXSW favorite, Serbian all-girl band, Kitty Riot. E. began matching vodka shots with Dragana the drummer, rushing from table to table to guzzle the complimentary Tito’s. When there was no vodka left, E and Dragana cleared a table and arm wrestled for a few sweaty minutes. After E. lost three matches in a row, Dragana threw him across the table and kissed him hard on his thin, Shylocky lips. When E. broke free, he tore off his shirt, grabbed Dragana by her heavily tatted arm, and ran out the door with her, leaving me alone with the other Kitties.

My Serbian was rusty, so conversation was awkward. After lead guitaress Srebrenka challenged me to a strip Rock-Paper-Scissors match, I did what I always do when faced with danger: I threw up at Srebrenka’s feet and ran as fast as I could back to the festival center. Out of breath, I plopped down in a stuffed chair in the foyer next to an older fellow. I could see his little white ponytail, but his face was buried in the paper. When he folded the newspaper in his lap, I could not believe my eyes.

Henry: Michael Corleone! Holy cannoli. How long’s it been?

Corleone: Oh, hey, kid. Been some time. You smell vomit?

Henry: (Looking around) No. What are you doing here at South By Southwest?

Corleone: This is the hot venue for promoting new online ventures, so my board wanted me here to glad hand some of the venture capital guys, show them around our website. I got a booth inside.

Henry: No kidding? What is your site?

Corleone: MobbedUp.com. The family is looking for mezzanine financing. We’ll eventually take it public.

Henry: How cool is that? What does the site do?

Corleone: Same kinds of things we’ve done since the twenties. It ain’t just olive oil.

Henry: Last time I saw you, you were dancing with Kay in Tahoe, and you were still in the casino business.

Corleone: Yeah, but the Indians, I mean, native-Americans, hurt us in rural Nevada and on the East Coast, plus the big corporations took over Vegas. Those corporate guys play rough—bunch of gangsters. We moved our sports book and gambling operation online, and built MobbedUp.com around the gambling revenue.

Henry: I’m not much of a gambler.

Corleone: Gambling is just a small part of the action. Everything we did in the old days, it’s all online now.

Henry: So if I need some muscle or a hit man to rub someone out?

Corleone: You go to MobbedUp.com. We hook you up with the right people. You pay through PayPal. If you want bids, we set up an auction for you, provide C.V.s on each prospective hitter, who he’s killed, how he’s done it, you know. You want the guy stabbed? We got a guy who’s a pro with knives. You want someone shot, or blown up, we match you with the best shooter or demolition guy we got.

Henry: What a great idea. You have a telephone app?

Corleone: Sure. And we got a names registry. Say you want to be known as Morty The Shiv, or Sammy Two Tone. You pay an annual subscription fee, you get a name search to see if the name’s been used. If the name is available, you register it with us. We provide monitoring to prevent name infringement, and threat levels for enforcement. We start with a warning, then we break a leg, and if the s.o.b. still don’t get it, a bullet between the eyes.

Henry: Man, that’s service. What about the Russian mafia? They in with you on this website?

Corleone: Nah, man. Ever since I saw EASTERN PROMISES, the scene where Viggo Mortensen is naked in the steam bath and kills those two big guys armed with knives, I don’t want nothin’ to do with Russians. They too brutal, even by our standards. Besides, we don’t need’em. Since the government shut down Blackwater and neutered the CIA, we gettin’ a lot of wet work contracts with Uncle Sam. It’s all bid jobs. You remember Clemenza? He does our bids. You wouldn’t recognize him now. He’s skinny. No spaghetti or pizza. Just tofu, organic vegetables, and green tea. Tell you the truth, I liked him better fat.

I grabbed Michael’s paper and buried my face when I saw Srebrenka crash into a Carmelite nun in the lobby. I explained who Sebrenka was, and Michael asked me if I wanted him to “talk” some sense into her. I told him it wasn’t necessary. We said our goodbyes, and as I walked away, I felt a sense of joy, knowing that in a pinch, thanks to technology, a Luca Brasi is only a mouse click away.

FULL MOON IN OXFORD

Gayle and I closed on our home in Oxford, MS this past Monday. The contractor started the renovation process the same day. Friday morning, Gayle and I were walking for exercise on University Avenue at about 7 a.m. We heard a short blast of a car horn and turned in time to see a massive, white, dimpled boohiney staring at us from a passing vehicle, no more than ten feet away. We burst out laughing. It was a full moon, filling the entire passenger side open window. I don't know if Welcome Wagon arranged this, but it sure made me feel at home. We went to Fourth of July barbecue party around our new neighbors' pool, saw fireworks at the Ole Miss baseball field, then were treated to a gigantic white behind, all in our first week.What a warm welcome to our new town. More later. Miguel

THANK YOU

William and I thank all of our readers and supporters for the great showing last week in the debut of our new novel, ATMOSPHERE OF VIOLENCE.  On Thursday, AOV zoomed to 67th on the Amazon.com best seller list for general fiction and thrillers and stayed in the top hundred for the remainder of the week.  So, out of the hundreds of thousands of novels on Amazon, AOV was the 67th most purchased. These numbers are very gratifying to us and we appreciate your support.  Our readership seems to be increasing every week.  Thanks again.   

Life Imitating Art

Novel number two, AT RANDOM, featured the antagonist "El Moro," a white-skinned drug smuggler born in Tampico to a Caucasian merchant marine father and a Mexican mother.  El Moro was invaluable to the cartel because his color and perfect English allowed him to deliver drugs in the U.S. without raising suspicions. Shortly after AT RANDOM was published, drug kingpin "La Barbie" was arrested near Mexico City.  "La Barbie" was a white U.S. citizen born in a Laredo suburb who moved to Mexico and used his white skin and bilingual skills to rocket to the top of one of the principal drug cartels.  Novel number three, THE RIDE ALONG, featured a violent, gun-smuggling Cuban named "Brujo" who used Santa Muerte hexes and rituals to control his ruthless gang in New Orleans.  Today the story broke that four dozen decapitated and dismembered bodies were dumped along a highway south of the Mexican border.  Many of the victims had Santa Muerte tatoos and talismans.  William and I just published novel number 5, ATMOSPHERE OF VIOLENCE, which involves a bloody confrontation between a white supremacist outlaw biker gang and a black Muslim militia trained in warfare at a commune in rural Mississippi.  Be sure to keep an eye on your favorite news sources to see if AOV foreshadows real-life.  Like David Dunne always says, "you never know." 

What Was Cooking In Junior Seau’s Pot?

When I was growing up and word of an unexpected personal tragedy involving relatives, friends, or acquaintances reached my mother, she would sometimes remark that “you never know what’s cooking in someone else’s pot.”  When I learned today of the sudden death of Junior Seau, I mumbled my mother’s saying.  Junior Seau was one of my favorite pro football players.  He was All-Pro every year, and one of the best defensive players of all time.  Junior seemed like a really good guy, too. Everyone seemed to like and respect him.  Now he’s gone, maybe by his own hand.  You’d think that he would have been on top of the world, basking in the respect and fame he earned on the field.  He wasn’t, however, and fell victim to his own personal demons.  Human beings are mysterious creatures.  The person whose success and position you envy may be struggling every day to just to put one foot in front of the other.  You never know.  So, be kind to the people you encounter today.  Each one of them is fighting a tough battle.

ADVICE FOR ADULTS ONLY: Always Talk To Strangers

When Gayle and I are out and about traveling in state, around the country, or abroad, we make it a point to strike up a conversation with strangers unless they appear dangerous or unhinged.  Invariably we meet engaging and interesting people who have more in common with us than we could have ever imagined.  Conversely, sometimes they are radically different from us in spite of their appearance and it's loads of fun to listen to their stories.  On a ski trip to Copper Mountain when our three sons were young, we shared a table with a couple our age and their two kids.  Since that day, we've stayed in touch and recently talked about getting together for a visit.  The nice thing about talking to strangers is that if they appear normal but after a minute of conversation we get weird or unwelcome vibes, it's easy to escape by turning on our heels and saying "we've got to join our friends" over our shoulders as we run away.  It rarely happens like that.  Most of the time, it's a very pleasant way to pass a few minutes and share experiences.  It reminds us that most everybody is fairly interesting and that we're all just trying to do the best we can. 

I LOVE LIVING IN A SMALL TOWN

Last night I wrote a note on the pad I keep on my nightstand reminding me to call my CPA first thing.  As I ran through downtown at the end of my jog this morning, I saw my CPA in front of his building.  I stopped and discussed with him the tax issue about which I had planned to call him.  Last week I discovered one of my tires flat in my carport.  I walked the two blocks to my office and called my friend who owns a tire business.  By nine a.m., his service crew had come to my house, replaced the tire and called to tell me my vehicle was road-ready again.  Yesterday I left the office at five p.m., peak traffic time, and was home in mere moments, surviving another "rush minute" on local streets.  Through the internet and satellite I see everything that's going on in the world.  I read online the best newspapers here and abroad.  There's no glitz and glamour, but living small town life sure is convenient.  Easy on the blood pressure, too.